Marriage

I have heard it said that we cannot honour God if we are trapped in a hostile marriage.  The theologian who said this was promoting the idea of separation as a way of getting closer to God.  He told his students that separating from an ‘incompatible’ spouse and marrying somebody more suitable would bring them a better understanding of God’s purpose for marriage, by creating a more peaceful life.  (I was one of his students at the time)  Clearly, what he told us is not the truth!  This kind of false teaching stems from the idea that the marriage is only the second most important relationship in our lives – rather than part of the first.  Again, it says,  “‘I hate divorce’, says the Lord God of Israel.”  (Mal. 2:16)   It should be obvious that we cannot honour God, by doing something that He hates.

The theologian said, ‘it is common knowledge among psychologists, that a bad marriage creates bitter, hostile and unforgiving attitudes in a couple’.  So I asked him, ‘If none of these attitudes were present to begin with - what made it a bad marriage?  Wouldn’t the marriage be better without these bitter, hostile and unforgiving attitudes?’

The theologian’s solution to the dilemma was to dissolve the marriage, so that the couple could heal.  He saw this as a ‘loving’ and ‘compassionate’ solution (as if it was up to him).   His assumption was that the marriage was the cause of the problems, and once the marriage was dissolved, then the bitter, hostile and unforgiving attitudes in the couple would disappear.   However, the Bible does not offer this solution.   The Bible tells us that instead of getting rid of the marriage, we should get rid of the bad attitudes!  “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.” (Eph. 4:31)  

Divorce is not a loving and compassionate solution; it is surrender.  Forgiveness is the loving and compassionate solution!

A man that I know once told me that he had divorced his wife because living with her was so difficult, that he expected to have a heart attack if he stayed.   Would staying with her have actually killed him?   We will never know.  Would that be the worst outcome anyway?

This may sound harsh to some, but that is exactly what is expected of us - and more!  The Lord Jesus did not die for us because we are pleasant to be around, nor did he die for us because we are easy to get along with.  He died for us because he loves us, and it is written, “A man must love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” (Eph. 5:22)  Does this mean that a man should be willing to die for his wife?  Yes, that is exactly what it says!  Not because of obligation or contracts, but because of love. 

But there is more.  The Lord gave himself up on a daily basis, long before his crucifixion, and, “Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:  Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.  And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death- even death on a cross.” (Phil. 2:5-8)  He humbled himself by taking the form of a man, and living among us as a “servant”.  He was “obedient to death”.  That is true love!  That is our example!  That is the standard!  He did it for all our benefit, and he did it willingly.  “Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus”! 

This should never be seen as a burden, but as worship – it should give us joy to serve Him.  A husband must be willing to give himself up on a daily basis - to put aside his own desires and needs for the benefit of his wife, because that is what love requires.  Some may argue that their wives don’t deserve such sacrifice.   Do they think that we deserved the sacrifice of the Lord Jesus?  “Love” is not easy.  “Love” requires effort!  But “love” is also a gift, and as it is written, we should “eagerly desire the greater gifts” (1 Cor. 12:31)

We can be sure that if a man is obedient to the Lord that he will never divorce his wife.  For it is written, “a husband must not divorce his wife” (1 Cor. 7:11).  If a husband truly loves his wife as Christ loves the church, how could he leave her?   “Because God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’” (Heb. 13:5).  We can be confident that when a man divorces his wife, it is for one reason alone, and that is hard heartedness!  As Jesus said, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard” (Matt. 19:8). 

“Love never fails” (1 Cor. 13:8).  So if we fail in marriage, it is because we have failed to love as we are commanded.  We are commanded to love our wives as Christ loved us!  It is not just an emotion.  Sometimes love requires all our strength.  It is written, “And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.” (Luke 22:44)  It wasn’t easy!  But the Lord did not give up.  He simply submitted to the will of the Father and said; “yet not my will, but yours be done.” (Luke 22:42)  The Lord endured all this for our sake!  It is no secret to anyone that marriages go through difficult times.  Yet none of us have faced such severe difficulty as our Lord.  We are told to consider him, so that we will not grow weary and lose heart.  It is written, “Who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning it’s shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” (Heb. 12:2-3) 

“This is love for God, to obey his commands” (1 John 5:3).  The command says this, “a husband must not divorce his wife” (1 Cor. 7:11).  Throughout this passage of Paul’s letter to the Corinthian church, we read about the duties of a husband and wife.  The language is very clear - “To the married I give this command (not I but the Lord):  A wife must not separate from her husband.  But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband.  And a husband must not divorce his wife”.(1 Cor. 7:10-11).  We should notice that the wife, as the weaker partner, is allowed a concession.  She is told that if she leaves her husband, she must remain unmarried.  A woman who is subject to abuse should not have to suffer at the hand of a violent husband.  However, if she leaves, she must not marry another man - “she must remain unmarried”.   Does this mean that the husband is free to marry another after his wife has left?  No because it says, “she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband.”  How can she be reconciled to her husband if he has married another?

The husband is given no such concession.  Men are simply told, “a husband must not divorce his wife”.   Even those who are married to unbelievers are told that they must stay with their spouses, unless the spouse decides to leave.  In this case (if the unbeliever leaves) the believer is not bound.  This passage of Scripture (1 Cor. 7) is in fact, the longest passage in the Bible regarding marriage and family!